5 weeks leave - Day 12 the weather has turned cold and wet

The cold, wet weather has really set in for a few days.

I've used some of my new firestarters already keeping warm.  Today I just stayed home. It was a great day for a sleep in, some reading, yoga in front of the fire.

I am half way through my second week off and I am content with myself all day. The last few nights though ... I wake in the early morning with the remnants of disturbing dreams colouring my mood for a little while. All the dreams have had a common thread of work, of frantic running around and deep feelings of anxiety.  My days are calm and quiet although I have not yet given myself over to a day of complete nothingness. I feel I have to achieve something.  I'm trying to keep a balance between doing and being. I am tired of my sleep being disturbed with that frenetic energy and anxiety though.

I cooked some basil pesto, made a batch of soap too.  But then I took myself and my doggies for a long walk into town. I rugged up against the chill and off we set. It was nice, we walked quickly. No point to it but to get out. Oh and to get some exercise.  We all liked it.

Tonight I am watching the last season of Dr Who and well, blogging.

The other thing I did today was make spinach and ricotta gnocchi which I enjoyed for my dinner.

Home from hospital and adjusting to my latest experience of life

I'm home and recuperating from my experience of hospital. I am very fortunate that I was able to come home the same day and did not have to stay over.  I am sore and terribly tired but grateful to be home and well. I have the luxury of time to sleep as I am on sick leave from work, not that I would be of much use to them.  My powers of concentration escape me still.

Last week I wrote of my terrible fear of the ordeal ahead of me. I almost ran away when the orderly came for me, only the sense of manners instilled in me by my mother prevented me. Actually my manners were tested a few times, by nurses who didn't explain what was happening, by an anesthetist who asked questions but didn't listen to my answer, by the complete disregard for dignity that the whole process demonstrated.

It would be easy to criticise myself for my fear, dismiss myself as paranoid but I am glad I accepted my feelings and proactively prepared for the experience.  I am healing slowly but solidly and feel comfortable with myself and my emotions. I would highly recommend if you are faced with something that frightens you, as this did me, that you prepare slowly and diligently so that you may face it as best you can. It will help you on the other side.

I chose the above quote to say that I have embraced the experience as an opportunity to show others greater empathy through understanding.  Not that its an experience I want to repeat ...

Going into hospital tomorrow and feeling anxious

Its a big day for me tomorrow. I'm going into hospital for the first time since I was born. I'm trying and failing to see it as one of life's experiences that contribute to my wholeness as a person.


I have gone through a range of emotions since I found out I had to have surgery: fear and anxiety topped the list. Convinced I could not possibly survive I have sorted bills, super, lodged my tax return, sorted cupboards and generally kept very very busy making sure I would not leave a mess. I just couldn't contemplate going into hospital without my affairs in order.

Now on the eve of surgery I feel sad and quietly resigned.  I don't know whether my sorting has contributed to lowering my fatalistic anxiety or if is just the result of time. Time to consider, time to get more used to the idea.

This journey started months ago. Feeling quite unwell I went to the Doctor for tests, was given a referral to a surgeon whom I saw just for an estimate. He was ready for me and regaled me with a litany of horror scenarios, finishing with a story about people who cancel their admission appointments at the last minute. It was one of those, "you wouldn't be so stupid, would you" moments.

My appointment letter arrived, I notified work, family, friends and set about the business of coming to grips with the idea. In hindsight I wished they had whipped me in to surgery when I was feeling crook 'cos right now I feel well. I don't want to get cut into for no reason. Now it is more about preventing future sickness than dealing with a current problem. That is hard to deal with.

My surgery is really considered minor. Keyhole, although that is rather dismissive of the reality of four holes. People have been very kind and encouraging, although at least some must think me paranoid. No one has said so.

Well tomorrow is the big day.  I will hold my chin up high and try to be dignified about the whole thing. Wish me luck.  When its over I'll be forced to chalk it up to experience.

Weary to my bones tonight

Monday evening, just home from work. Its raining lightly outside, just a drizzle really. I crave simple food so a pot of pasta is on the stove. My cats and dogs are nagging for their dinners but they can wait a little longer. Howard is at work for several hours yet so I've put the TV on for company. I am yet to start a fire - its not cold enough now but if I delay too long the temperature will drop and it will be too late to raise it again. The alternative is a hot bath and an early night. Hmmm tempting. If I give in I'll get up tomorrow and feel I wasted my evening and the cycle will continue all week. Tricky isn't it.

I often struggle with this dilemma, giving my all at work, having no energy left in the evening to pursue what I consider my own life, the real me. I try to squeeze my life into the weekends. But first I sleep in Saturday morning. The experts on insomnia say that is a bad thing to do as less hours up and about make it harder to go to sleep that night. But how can I not: its the only way I feel I restore some energy.

Tonight I'm going to light the fire, eat my dinner then let myself have a guilt free early night after some indulgent TV viewing.  

A little homespunbliss at work

For the first time ever I have my own space at work. Its technically a cubicle, but large with high walls.  I have plenty of storage: to the point where I have two shelves that don't need to store files or any work stuff.  I have cupboards where storage can be both organised and out of sight. I have a little conference table, with two chairs for guests. But how to make this space home?

Work-life balance is important to me. I don't always wear my heart on my sleeve and I don' want to impose myself on others. But making my space personal helps me concentrate, and keep going when my workload is tough.

Well, I have carved out this space to be mine, paired back, neat, but with personality. I have things that remind me of home and lets face it: me.  Our individualism can easily get lost in the big corporate world. So please step into my office and let me show you around.

These shelves sit above my desk and hold some special reminders of friends and good times: toy cars my husband gave me, gorgeous vintage cats that were a Christmas present a couple of years ago from Darling Fi. She knows I love cats and vintage. They have remained at work because a/ my cats would smash them 'cos they are good at that, and b/ cos I started to realise I needed to make space for special things at work. A plant of course: living things are so important. The paper hearts are from my good friend Very Marie. The photos on the left are from my recent trip to Huskisson, tea from a friend who went to Sri Lanka and my darling Howard.

 Its nice to have chairs for guests but in truth they are horribly uncomfortable and very grey. I have meetings here and sit to read reports and generally get away from my computer once in a while. My Mum sent me the bright and cheerful zodiac tea towel: I rummaged around my stash for backing fabric, trim and cut up an old pillow for the inserts. Recycling? Tick. The description of my star sign: strong and reliable. Hmm, would have preferred something more creative!

I'd like to swap this for a low coffee table and some chunky floor cushions. I know I'd make lots of people very uncomfortable but I'm not the only one who would love it. So, so tempted. What do you think?

At the front of my desk I have strung some Tibetan prayer flags my beautiful sister gave me. Colourful, peaceful and soulful. An important reminder.  And the little hanging plaque is a quilt from the incongruous village in Pennsylvania named Intercourse! We visited last October on our USA trip and met lots of lovely people. Howard and I bought a pair of mirror quilts to hang up at work. They have everything going for them: my favourite earthy colour scheme, leaf/floral motifs and a souvenir from our holiday.

So how do you make your work space your own?

Cooking up a storm today

Free from study at last, I have spent most of today cooking.  While studying I became keenly aware of what I missed most: cooking, gardening, sewing. All creative pursuits rather than analytic.

The sun has just come out, but earlier it was raining so I opted for cooking not gardening. I like cooking on a Sunday as it makes the working week so much easier when good food is ready to eat on the run.

After eating nothing but store bought bread for months I set the bread machine to dough to make plaited herb bread. I cut the dough into four proportions, rolled each flat and spread a mix of dried thyme, chilli and olive oil, and then rolled into a long sausage.  It was very easy to twist two long rolls together. I left the plaits on top of the warm stove until more than doubled in size, then into the oven.  They smell wonderful. 

A couple of months ago I bought a cute pan to make 8 small loaves.  At first I didn't know what I'd use it for, but I bought it anyway ;)  Since then I have been making individual serves of zucchini slice: today's version includes zucchini, carrot and potato, a little grated cheese and slivered almonds on top.

I experimented with pumpkin and corn muffins too. Starting with a basic, unsweetened muffin recipe I added corn scraped straight off the cob and mashed pumpkin.  They look good don't you think?

These savoury loaves will be great for lunch with salad, or with a poached egg for breakfast.  I swapped ordinary flour for gluten-free, high protein besan (chick pea) flour to lessen my reliance on wheat and add nutrition. Add baking powder to make it self-raising and you can use it any recipe.  You'll find chickpea flour in health food stores or Indian grocery suppliers.

I haven't been eating cakes and biscuits so I miss baking them. I have baked some tiny muffins using honey, blueberries, strawberries, and buckwheat flour. These muffins are not very sweet and so tiny even eating 2 is significantly smaller than an ordinary muffin. A nice little treat! Besides I am taking these to work tomorrow to share.

Feeing frustrated and trapped - not terribly homespun right now

I have started studying two business subjects by distance education for the first time in almost a decade. Since starting this blog I have increasingly embraced a homespun life, working towards the life of my dreams.  I go through stages of doing nothing but sewing and others cooking and gardening in equal measure.  I gardened all winter so my vegie garden is a picture of abundance. I have a lovely cottage garden of flowers in the front and a steadily expandng fernery. We created a lovely lush lawn in the place of bare dirt in the back yard, a perfect picnic spot under large trees.

I have been eating home made granola and yogurt. Packing nutritious, tasty lunches every day and cooking great dinners as well.

I freely chose to do the study. I need to reach closure on a half completed qualification from what feels like a previous life. It will free me to undertake other study that fits better with who I am now and what I want for my future.

But I am not feeling free. I feel trapped. I keep telling myself that it really is only a few days of my life. That this too will pass. Good words but hard to take to heart.

It is perhaps the lack of balance in my life. Right now I feel guilty about taking time out from study to write this post. My darling niece arrived yesterday to visit until after Christmas and I feel guilty about taking time out from her. We need to finish painting the laundry and bathroom but I can't right now. My garden is looking neglected - I need to pull weeds, mulch with compost and lucerne and plant the next lot of summer crop.

But I must spend all my time out of work doing my study. My second assignment is due Monday. Once that is done I will have a month to complete the next two. So it really is only a couple of days until I can make my next batch of granola, refill the freezer, get back into the garden and enjoy the countdown to Christmas.

Why can't I accept that and be zen and embrace the opportunity in front of me?

5 things Wednesday: Lotus pond photos

I met my friend after work and went to the lotus pond at a local Buddhist temple. This is a hidden treasure, so many people don't know it is there. The lotus' are in full bloom.

This reflected leaf photo was taken by my friend RachaelB.

Visit to the gallery during a wet lunch time

It has been a wet day today. At lunchtime I went to Milk Thieves, the store that stocks some of my DarlingBridget bags and journals. Then off to the craft store for some paint.

I finished off my break with a look around Wollongong Gallery. Here are a few pieces I particularly liked.

 

 

On my way to back to work I had to stop and take a picture of a crushed plane tree nut.

Isn't that amazing?